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Hey Poor Player

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1613 games reviewed
73.8 average score
80 median score
59.8% of games recommended

Hey Poor Player's Reviews

May 30, 2023

Utterly shambolic in almost every way, The Lord of the Rings: Gollum is an abject failure as a stealth and traversal game, continuously tripping over itself with technical incompetence to such an extent it’s virtually impossible to recommend. Featuring monotonous climbing and sneaking mechanics, cheap deaths from heights akin to a paddling pool, a boring structure, plain and uninteresting characters, a host of technical blemishes, mostly-poor visuals, a woodpecker-quality soundtrack, and an overall dismal and trying experience, The Lord of the Rings: Gollum is absolutely atrocious. Much like its protagonist, it’s a cursed product that should be cast into the smoldering fires of Mount Doom.

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1 / 5.0 - SuperPower 3
Oct 10, 2022

Some games are only going to appeal to a very specific audience. That’s great, I’m all for niche games, and SuperPower 3 should have been one of those titles. With the number of issues, it has, though, including systems that simply don’t seem to work, performance problems, and a complete lack of direction, it’s hard to see even the players who it should be for getting much enjoyment out of it.

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Mar 24, 2020

Even in the event you’re the sort of chap with a perverse desire to jerk your gherkin in front of random strangers, you’d be underwhelmed by reactions of the game’s dead-eyed denizens. After maybe an initial grunt of amusement at the absurdity of it, the novelty soon wears thin, and the frantic friction sounds of hand upon invisible shaft become the repetitive funeral dirge of a pretty dull experience.

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1 / 5.0 - Troll and I
Mar 27, 2017

There’s plenty I wanted to like about Troll and I. But in the end, I can’t think of any part of my time with the game that I really enjoyed.

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Had more care been given to crafting a more handcrafted campaign that relied less on repetitive busywork and more on the cinematic set-pieces that we know the looter shooter genre is capable of when done right, then this may have been a different story, and the admittedly enjoyable combat would have had the chance to shine more had the activities surrounding it been remotely enjoyable or creative. As it stands, though, this is one of the worst campaigns ever to grace a videogame, never mind a live service, with an endgame that does the unforgivable and asks you to continue grinding out the same content that you’ve just slogged through. Rocksteady’s return should have been something to cherish, given the studio’s pedigree, but Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League is instead a product that raises serious doubts about the studio’s future.

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1.5 / 5.0 - Sunshine Shuffle
May 31, 2023

If you like poker or visual novels that don’t give you much choice in how the story plays out, then this would be a great game for you to pick up for $9.99. If you want to take the plunge, you can find it on Steam, Itch.io, and soon on Switch. For me, however, I’m going to fold on this game.

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1.5 / 5.0 - 41 Hours
Nov 2, 2022

While I went into 41 Hours fully expecting a single A experience, I struggled to find 41 minutes of enjoyment out of my review playthrough. I honestly don’t see any quick, feasible ways to fix 41 Hours either, as there isn’t much here that isn’t a mess. Between the game’s unnaturally accurate and overpowered enemies, graphics would barely be noteworthy on an Xbox 360, and a plot does little to spurn interest, I can’t help but feel this one came out of the oven 41 months too early.

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1.5 / 5.0 - XEL
Jul 22, 2022

I think there’s a solid game here under all the technical issues, but it’s hard to say. XEL’s combat and time-based puzzles are satisfying, the setting and narrative are engaging, and its aesthetically charming. But until those issues are addressed, XEL is largely unplayable. I’ve spent way more time dealing with those issues than I have playing the game. I’d like to revisit it in the future, assuming it gets fixed.

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Apr 8, 2022

In conclusion, Contagious Memories is not an experience I could recommend in good faith to even the most ardent of survival horror fans. My lingering thought as I put the game down and began writing up this review was, “who is this for”? If you want a classic survival horror fix, then there are much more appealing options out there, including the greats that Contagious Memories imitates cheaply. And if you’re looking for a more modern take on classic survival horror as, Contagious Memories purports to be, then go and play the excellent Resident Evil 2 and 3 remakes. In any event, my advice would be to avoid Contagious Memories at all costs, as it is more likely to harm your love of the genre than anything else.

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1.5 / 5.0 - Shredders
Mar 22, 2022

There’s still room for a big snowboarding game in today’s video game landscape, but Shredders isn’t able to fill it. While it looks nice when you’re not moving, issues with performance, controls, mission design, voice acting, story, nearly every aspect of this game is flawed. So value your time and wait for the next title in the genre.

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Jan 24, 2022

I really wanted to like Demoniaca: Everlasting Night. I fought hard to let the game prove itself to me. But it needs a lot more balancing and retooling before I can recommend it to anybody other than the most diehard Metroidvania fan. If you can somehow look past the game’s many flaws, it might be worth buying on a sale. Otherwise, I’d just pass on this disappointing Gothic adventure.

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1.5 / 5.0 - Lucid Cycle
Nov 9, 2021

All in all, would I recommend this slip into the dream world? If you really enjoy this developer’s games, I say go for it for the price it’s sitting at, but even fans of walking simulators might feel cheated out of a decent experience here. Maybe I wasn’t on enough drugs to catch the real meaning behind this. Maybe I just wasn’t the target audience. With a lack of interesting gameplay, visuals, or any sense of thematic cohesion, it’s not worth the time spent. As it stands, I’d say save the $4.00 for something a little more meaningful and a little less slipshod.

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1.5 / 5.0 - Paradox Error
Jul 1, 2021

Paradox Error is so concerned with crafting a meta, fourth-wall-breaking experience that it completely neglects the platformer genre’s fundamentals. It is as dull as it is frustrating. Aspects of its design are unnecessarily hostile to the player. There are thousands, if not tens of thousands, of better platformers out there. Aside from a morbid curiosity, there’s little reason to suffer through this one.

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Dec 1, 2020

I genuinely hate giving negative reviews, especially when I wanted to like the game. But when I can’t understand critical information coupled with other glaring issues, my hand is forced. I quadruple-checked to make sure this game wasn’t Early Access, hoping I could just give this a preview article instead of a numerical score, outlining issues for the devs to check before releasing an unfinished product. Sadly, Dorian Morris Adventure has been officially released, and as cool as it sounds in concept, is simply not ready to be played — at least by English-speaking gamers.

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Sep 17, 2020

There will be people who like The Suicide of Rachel Foster because they are able to sidestep away from the whole pedophilia aspect, which is only a possibility because the game itself tries to frame it differently. I can’t tell you how much I initially wanted to like The Suicide of Rachel Foster — I played it twice and watched several let’s plays to make sure I wasn’t missing anything. But the developer really needed to handle these topics better, or at least have one character that didn’t sympathize with the sex offender. Ethical issues aside, the environments were great, but everything else fell flat. There is no recommendation here, only concern.

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Sep 16, 2020

I mean it when I say I wanted nothing more than to like Outbreak: The New Nightmare. As a massive fan of the games that inspired it, it seemed to me like Dead Drop Studios was poised to deliver something special. Unfortunately, the scariest thing about this game is just how unfinished it feels. From its rampant bugs and performance problems to its uninteresting main story, the game is so bad it borders on parody, making it all but impossible to recommend to even the most scare-starved survival horror fans. If you’re dying for something new to get your heart racing, you’re much better off picking up the recently released The Coma 2: Vicious Sisters or Infliction: Extended Cut.

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1.5 / 5.0 - DYING: Reborn (VR)
Mar 7, 2017

If you’re going into Dying: Reborn VR fresh and without knowing there is a separate, full game available on the PlayStation Store, you’ll be oblivious to the fact that this game is not finished.

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2 / 5.0 - Skull and Bones
Feb 26, 2024

Despite the clear effort that went into build diversity and satisfying naval combat, Skull and Bones’s core gameplay loops simply aren’t enough to stop this ship from sinking. Mindless grinds, tedious busywork, and a complete lack of any meaningful gameplay hooks outside of the core combat result in an experience that feels incomplete despite the plethora of Ubisoft checklists that there is to work through in your time at sea. If you’re someone who enjoys tinkering with builds and doesn’t mind grinding for materials in a constant pursuit of that next upgrade for hours on end, then you may find something to like here. Otherwise, this is a voyage into tedium-induced insanity that you can definitely afford to miss.

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Nov 1, 2023

Overall, My Time At Sandrock is a great game. There’s tons to do, and it’s got plenty of depth. If I had played it on, say, PC or PS5, I’m sure it would have run fine (or at least serviceable). But I didn’t. I played it on the Switch. And the Nintendo Switch version of My Time At Sandrock is a crunchy, crusty, stuttering mess that I very much recommend that you stay away from.

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2 / 5.0 - Gastro Force
Oct 25, 2023

Gastro Force attempts to play to old-school gamers’ nostalgia with its lo-fi visuals and classic maze shooter gameplay. Unfortunately, it’s hard to imagine even the biggest fans of retro FPSs will have the intestinal fortitude to stomach its mercilessly repetitive campaign, especially when there are so many better boomer shooters available.

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