PsychoCarbo Resident Evil 5 Review

Suddenly they get tired of making horror and decide to imitate Gears of War… failing miserably. 04/10 Review at the end! ---{ Graphics }--- ☐ Da Vinci created a new reality ☐ You forget what reality is ☐ Red Dead Redemption II ☐ Biutchyful ☑ Decent ☐ Don’t look at it for too long ☐ Bad ☐ Atari ☐ Tamagotchi ---{ PC Requirements }--- ☐ Can your PC run Paint? ☐ Potato ☐ Decent ☑ Fast ☐ Rich boi ☐ Ask NASA if they have a spare computer ---{ Story }--- ☐ Story? What story? ☐ One word: pewpewpew! Three words: pew pew! ☐ Some talking ☐ Average ☑ Good ☐ Beautiful! ☐ Isabel Allende, Machado de Assis and Tolkien teamed up to write it ☐ It will replace your life ---{ Gameplay }--- ☐ Excellent! ☐ Good ☐ Nice, but you can play it with two fingers ☑ Mehh ☐ Just watch paint dry instead ☐ Yeah… no ☐ Smash your hand with a hammer, it’s more fun ---{ Grind }--- ☑ Not needed ☑ Only if you care about achievements ☐ Not needed to progress ☐ Average grind level ☐ Grindfest ☐ You’ll need a second life to grind ---{ Difficulty }--- ☐ Just press “W” ☑ Easy ☐ Easy to learn / hard to master ☐ Requires real brain usage ☐ Hard ☐ Dark Souls ---{ Hours Played }--- ☐ Enough for a cup of coffee ☐ Short ☐ Medium ☑ Long ☐ You start it, your grandkid finishes it ☐ To infinity and beyond! ---{ Replayability }--- ☑ One playthrough is enough ☑ Only if you’re chasing achievements ☐ After a few months… years… mods… ☐ Worth it with DLCs ☐ You better have time to waste ☐ Well… you didn’t need a life anyway ---{ Bugs }--- ☐ Never heard of any ☑ Minor bugs ☐ Can be annoying ☐ ARK: Survival Evolved ☐ Cyberpunk 2022 ☐ The game itself is a bug breeding ground ---{ Multiplayer }--- ☐ No multiplayer ☐ LAN ☐ It says it has it, but it’ll blow up your PC if you try ☐ There it is… a lonely forgotten desert ☑ Meh, it’s somewhat fun ☐ Solo mission? What? ☐ Basically an MMO ---{ Audio }--- ☐ Eargasmic ☐ Very good ☐ Good ☑ Acceptable ☐ Bad ☐ I’m deaf now ---{ Audience }--- ☐ Kids ☑ Teens ☑ Adults ☑ Grandma ☐ Everyone ---{ Price }--- ☐ No longer available on Steam ☐ Free! ☐ Fair price ☑ On sale ☑ If you have some spare money ☐ Not recommended ☐ You might as well burn your money ---{ 04 / 10 }--- ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☑ 4 ☐ 5 ☐ 6 ☐ 7 ☐ 8 ☐ 9 ☐ 10 What the… What the heck was that? Seriously, what a torture it was to finish this game. Resident Evil: Revelations had the excuse of being a Nintendo DS adaptation, but even so it respected the Resident Evil concept much more. Here it feels like the developers got tired of the franchise and decided to make a Call of Duty or a Gears of War. By far the worst entry I’ve played so far in my chronological run of the series. The plot, graphics, and effects aren’t that bad, but after what they managed to do with Resident Evil 4, this is an insult. The mechanics are stiff and heavy. There’s no tension or fear anymore—just shooting and punching. Everything was simplified: the shop system is extremely barebones, the missions are always the saaaaaaame (waves of enemies, boss, repeat), and puzzles were thrown in the trash. Maybe that’s why this thing felt so unbearably looooooooong. Not to mention the clearly racist clichés. Well, I’ll move on to Revelations 2. But I’ve already been told that 6 is even worse. Ugh. Scary. Anyway. I do NOT recommend it. If you’re a Resident Evil fan, just look up a summary of the story online. If you like shooters and action, go play a Call of or a Gears. But this is not worth the price.