These Crusader Kings 3 Patch Notes Are a Gold Mine of the Game's Hilarious Possibilities Header Image

These Crusader Kings 3 Patch Notes Are a Gold Mine of the Game's Hilarious Possibilities

Written by on | OpenCritic

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Patch notes are critical for the players most deeply involved with a game, but never before have they been as fun for everyone as the latest fixes for Crusader Kings 3. Patch 1.2 is now available for the adored PC game and even if you've never played a second of the strategy game, there's something for everyone in these outlandish patch notes.

Crusader Kings 3 is known for its deeply complex systems which players use to win influence, political spats, and violent conflicts across the game's years-long simulation. That's why the latest notes include such fixes as "It’s now easier to divorce openly incestuous spouses" and "Peasant/Populist Revolt leaders can no longer marry." Sorry star-crossed lovers, but this latest patch appears to be a direct attack on your life choices.

You can find the full patch notes at the game's official website, but we've decided to highlight a few wonderful excerpts below. 

  • Mercenary companies of cultures that have Camel Riders unlocked will no longer include tons of camels for no reason
  • Constructing a brand new Temple now gives your faith some fervor
  • The cooldown between Great Holy Wars has been increased to 30 years
  • It’s now easier to divorce openly incestuous spouses
  • Peasant/Populist Revolt leaders can no longer marry
  • Children can become more inclined to drink later in life if their guardians are a poor influence
  • Improved Mongol Empire disintegration
  • Just characters no longer gain Stress when they execute someone if they also have a faith with the Human Sacrifice tenet
  • AI will now consider breaking up with their AI lovers upon marriage
  • Generally lowered the AI aggressiveness, this means that they’ll declare fewer wars overall
  • Told the AI to get over its phobia of hostile raiders
  • Toggling nudity is now a setting rather than a game rule, so you can toggle it on the fly
  • Added four new murder outcomes
  • Added 2 more child-murder outcomes, you monsters!
  • Added two more ongoing murder events
  • People will now be a bit miffed if you raid them
  • Fixed a number of marriage issues in history. There were multiple cases of characters being married to the same character, or characters having several spouses without practicing a polygamous faith
  • Karen is now a vassal to the Tahirid in 867
  • Added a modifier that reduces the risk of AI spouses taking a player’s potential heir as their concubine
  • As a host you will now be told if someone fails to seduce a guest
  • Charlemagne is now lustful – the dude sure got around
  • Former Heads of Faith now keep their clothes on, presuming they held the HoF title at the time of their death
  • If you convert to feudalism ALL your vassals will now jump on the hype-train
  • If you try to make too many children your wards you’ll now be told off in a strongly worded letter
  • Intelligent women no longer confront their pregnant lesbian lover to ask if they are the father of that child. Stupid women however, still have a chance to ask that question.
  • Your bastards will no longer sneak out of your court
  • You can no longer mistake your infant child for a serial killer
  • You cannot confide in friends you do not have
  • You now have to actively scheme to convert someone to witchcraft to discover that they’re already a witch
  • You will no longer call people “vile” as a friendly greeting
  •  You will now get more feedback and faster results when trying to gain/lose weight

These are just some of the highlights, whereas the complete patch notes go on for much longer. To those playing Crusader Kings 3 already, the patch likely comes as a  welcome overhaul fit with bug fixes, content updates, and necessary tweaks in many areas. To everyone else, these patch notes beg the question: what the hell is going on in Crusader Kings 3?

About the Authors

Mark Delaney Avatar Image
Mark is a Boston native now living in Portland, Oregon. Formerly the Features and Reviews Editor of TrueAchievements, he's been writing online since 2011 and continues to do so as a freelancer today for outlets like GamesRadar, EGM, and even OpenCritic news. Outside of games, he is an avid biker, a loud animal advocate, an HBO binge-watcher, and a lucky family man.