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Its anecdotes function as mawkish indicators of social status, as the Internet crowd often forgets that being online is a privilege for more than a few.
Worst of all, unlocking the new monsters involves trekking through the tedious campaign over and over again, grinding for experience.
Creators like Chmielarz need an obvious symbol of false hope to sell (not articulate) their trendy nihilism that, if anything, should vanish.
It's not the polishing of the old that makes it worthy of the current gen, but how far the game is willing to present a twist on mythology.
If only the developer's care could have graced the poorly drawn cutscenes that lack the vitality of those in 1988's Ninja Gaiden. These sequences don't communicate the emotional sincerity needed to fulfill the potential of a story that humanizes its white-man villain while calling attention to the contemporary impact of his racism.
Its most tangible accomplishment is how it responds when your priorities clash and intermingle with those of the playable character.
Even with all the gadgets, all the exhilaration of success, its greatest achievement is in making it feel like it just might not be enough.
Neither the artificial screen glare nor actress Viva Seifert's performance lend credibility to the game's lady-psychopath clichés.
The comedic lengths the game goes to make the series's trademark wanton cruelty palatable is impressive.
Unsurprisingly, the game runs as well on consoles as its predecessors, and its tried-and-true combat is a clean fit for the MMO format.
The virtue of shooters is a simple set of parameters creating interesting decisions, and the game's greatness is how it expands that matrix.
It alters the racing-car formula smartly in several areas, but the good ideas are often half-baked or hidden behind a load of cruft.
It lies somewhere between a fully formed game in which wizards learn to chain elements into powerful spells and a low-rent improv show.
It's aesthetically crisp and ninja-smooth, but the game all but vanishes from one's mind even while playing it.
Experience is earned largely through quests, which highlights the emphasis on thoughtful storytelling over mindless bloodshed.
Even the zombie material, which is still painfully boring and overdone conceptually, manages a few surprises.
The part of the game that matters is an impressive romp for anyone whose inner adolescent is looking for a cheap, satisfying, bloody thrill.
This isn't just a nostalgic copy of the games of the medium's youth, but also a fever dream of what the 8-bit era was capable of.
Unless a player's favorite part of chess is waiting for their opponent to take their turn, S.T.E.A.M. might just end up wrinkling their brain.
A result of the lack of tutorials and handholding is that each bit of incremental, hard-earned progress provides an unparalleled adrenaline rush.