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Hey Poor Player

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1615 games reviewed
73.8 average score
80 median score
59.8% of games recommended

Hey Poor Player's Reviews

It’s unfortunate that every positive I've mentioned comes undone at the hands of that dreaded localization. There were stretches of gameplay where I was just grinding, or exploring, and for a moment I’d forget what a mess the translation was, immersed in Xuan-Yuan Sword’s perfectly serviceable gameplay loops. But, this is an RPG, and to this player, world-building, deep characterization, and dense lore that I can immerse myself in is just as important to my enjoyment of an RPG as gameplay is. There will likely be a portion of players who will be able to look past this issue, simply content at being able to play a game that had been out of the reach of Western audiences for so long, and that’s perfectly fine. As I’ve indicated, there’s a solid RPG here somewhere and I have no doubt that this would be a fantastic experience had the port been shown the love and care it deserves. As it stands, though, Xuan-Yuan Sword: Mists Beyond the Mountains is such a compromised experience that it’s impossible to recommend in its current state.

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2 / 5.0 - Lifeless Moon
Aug 10, 2023

A nice look and decent pacing aren’t enough for me to recommend a game to pretty much anyone, though. I came in really wanting to like Lifeless Moon, but pretty much everything I enjoyed about it I could see in the screenshots and trailer. There are too many good puzzle games out there nowadays to spend time on one which has so little going for it.

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Jul 27, 2023

I have similar sentiments when looking at Sword and Fairy Inn 2 as a whole – inoffensive yet uninspired and, unfortunately, boring. From the sloppy localization to the almost complete lack of direct player input that players have come to expect in things such as farming and cooking, it feels a little soulless. There is some satisfaction to be found in watching your tiny business grow into something more substantial, but the fact that you never really do anything to facilitate that growth beyond clicking through menus makes it all feel a touch impersonal. What’s more, is that the Switch is a console already drowning in quality cozy games that already let you live out the virtual life of your dreams, and on that basis alone, Sword and Fairy Inn 2 is a difficult product to recommend.

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May 4, 2023

As reductive as it may seem, Mia And The Dragon Princess is just another Wales Interactive FMV drama. Nothing here stands out besides a smidge of animation here, and a bit of foreign language there – oh, and a few minor laughs at some of the idiotic dialogue. There’s a minor level of entertainment you can summon from Mia and Marshanda’s exploits, but once you’ve polished off a first run, you will only bother going back either out of curiosity to see how alternative scenes and endings play out, or for trophies or achievements. At the end of the day, there simply isn’t much here to hold your attention. And like in previous Wales Interactive efforts, a lot of the scenes become skippable, so Mia And The Dragon Princess is another title that can be gorged through like a starving child when he glimpses a box of Celebrations. But unlike Celebrations, it doesn’t have the quantity nor the quality to entice you to keep on feasting, it’ll instead make you feel full all too quickly.

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2 / 5 - Redfall
Apr 1, 2023

In all my years of gaming, I struggle to think of ever feeling a sense of disappointment as profound as I do when playing Redfall. Sure, you can increase the fun factor by adding a few buddies into the equation, the varied classes lending themselves well to group play, and there are glimpses of something great when you’re afforded the opportunity to slow down in one of the more tightly scripted missions, but these positives merely serve as momentary distractions from the multitude of issues that plague Arkane Austin’s latest effort. Between the half-baked gameplay loops, repetitive open-world busy work, and shockingly poor optimization, Redfall feels like a title that’s still in alpha, never mind a product that’s supposed to represent a flagship release for Microsoft’s premium subscription service.

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Apr 19, 2023

Given how ambitious and unique the premise of Inifite Guitars is, it pains me to say that what should be a refreshing marriage of RPG and rhythm-based gameplay has turned out to be a bit of an exercise in tedium that is held back massively by issues with input recognition and repetition. It looks beautiful, and, with a few patches aimed at tightening up the gameplay, this may turn into something that is worth experiencing for that fantastic soundtrack alone, but, as it stands today, Infinite Guitars doesn’t feel like it was quite ready to take to the stage.

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2 / 5.0 - Gorn
Apr 12, 2023

There was a time when Gorn’s over-the-top melees were pretty amusing. However, six years since it first slugged its way onto headsets, the physics-based brawler genre has seen numerous impressive offerings that vastly improve upon the foundation it laid, making its addition to the PSVR2 library seem mostly unnecessary. Hobbled by a disappointing lack of variety and questionable design choices that feel rooted in the early days of home VR, Gorn’s gladiators fail to entertain.

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2 / 5.0 - Guns N' Runs
Apr 10, 2023

In games of Guns N’ Runs’ ilk, it’s ok to fight against the odds. But the major difference that separates this game from similar titles is that time and time again, Guns N’ Runs proves itself able to entertain for a few minutes, before devolving into a gnawingly rote annoyance that constantly battles against players with its terrible tutorials, minimal health bar, lack of power-ups, dearth of weaponry, paint-by-numbers design and a chugging framerate. There is clearly a love for the retro classics, which the presentation and soundtrack evoke lovingly, but the frustrations inherent in the gameplay are a bit too much to ignore. Give Guns N’ Runs a try and you may like it for a spell; just be warned that you will likely grow bored of it sooner rather than later.

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Bill & Ted’s Excellent Retro Collection was a weird pick to re-release, but if it was going to be done, it should have been done properly. Bill & Ted’s Excellent Portable Adventure brings up the grade ever so slightly by being a passable title considering its era, but the ball was dropped when it came to Bill & Ted’s Excellent Video Game Adventure. The simple inclusion of the instruction manuals complete with level maps would have elevated the entire experience to make this original LJN release genuinely playable; unfortunately, this necessary information was left out, and players are yet again left to fumble around in the bushes, trees, and fences. I hate to say it, but as it currently stands, this is not a worthwhile purchase — I can’t even recommend this to fans of the original movie because it’s still just as unplayable as it was all those years ago. I can only recommend Bill & Ted’s Excellent Retro Collection to those who, like me, were haunted by Bill & Ted’s Excellent Video Game Adventure and want to utilize the newly implemented save states to finally have a shot at finishing the game. But if Limited Run Games releases an update later with the maps? It might be a little less bogus then.

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2 / 5.0 - Twin Cobra
Feb 14, 2023

I can usually find something to enjoy in most any SHMUP, but outside of a killer soundtrack, there wasn’t much that redeemed Twin Cobra for me. The basics all more or less work, it isn’t broken, and there are certainly worse games out there, but there’s nothing it does particularly well, and the slow speed of your ship gets old very quickly, as do the bland looking levels. There are a couple of gems in this set of Toaplan shooters Bitwave Games are releasing today, but Twin Cobra simply isn’t one of them.

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I know I’ve said a lot of negative things about Burrow of the Fallen Bear, and I want to make it clear it’s not because of the content. I previously reviewed a furry visual novel and actually loved it, and I have zero problem with adult content. It’s just that none of these things were done well in this game. Burrow of the Fallen Bear has potential, too: there are some heavy topics, like racism, genocide, religion and cults, and grappling with one’s dark past. The experience could have been so much richer if even just one of these topics had been given some real time. Unfortunately, Burrow of the Fallen Bear is just not a good game, bogged down by a poor translation, an uninspired story, flat characters, and clunky sex scenes. If you’re needing a furry and/or explicit visual novel to scratch any particular itch, you’re better off looking elsewhere.

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Nov 22, 2022

I really tried to enjoy Depths of Sanity. It’s a unique take on the Metroidvania genre, and it introduces some neat ideas. Sadly the execution of those ideas were held back by the awkward and consistently problematic controls themselves. As a result, even though the game has really great atmosphere and interesting concepts, most fans of the genre will likely lose patience incredibly quickly.

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Nov 30, 2022

At times the story of Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo can be interesting, but it never fully comes together. Succeeding neither as an homage to a great director’s work or on its own terms, it might be better served if it didn’t have the expectations its name provides, but that wouldn’t make it a great game. There are simply better adventure games more worth your time available this year.

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Nov 22, 2022

I played Gungrave G.O.R.E with zero knowledge of the franchise, and I reckon that is for the better. I would be infinitely more disappointed going into this game as a diehard fan of the series and seeing what a disservice G.O.R.E does to the Gungrave name. It’s astonishing to see Iggymob charging $50 for a low-budget, niche game riddled with unoriginal gameplay, multiple soft-locks, atrocious level design, and laughable voice acting.

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2 / 5.0 - Crossroads Inn
Nov 20, 2022

I don’t know what happened with Crossroads Inn. I don’t know why, in the 3 years that have passed since the original release on PC, Crossroads Inn is still a confusing, buggy mess. I don’t know who thought Crossroads Inn was ready for the extremely small Switch screen in its current state. I typically pride myself in being a reviewer that can see the positive in any game and find the audience a title was made for, but when it comes to Crossroads Inn, I find I’m at a loss. If you must get this game, try it out on PC first to get a better feel for the controls and UI; if you only have a Switch, I can’t in good conscience recommend this game to you.

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2 / 5.0 - The Last Oricru
Nov 7, 2022

Having said all that, despite the fun that co-op brings, it isn’t enough to turn The Last Oricru into a recommendation, unfortunately. The amateur-hour writing and uneven combat are just too difficult to overlook especially considering just how stuffed the genre is with competing titles that do just about everything The Last Oricru does, only better. Sure there is fun to be hand in exploring Wanderia and its intricate level design, but every “wow” moment is typically followed by a facepalm, as Silver says something that is tonally deaf, or falls to yet another attack that should have had no business hitting him. If you’re after another slice of Soulslike action in 2022, then your $40 can absolutely be spent better elsewhere, with The Last Oricru serving as little more than a pale imitation that struggles to even nail the Soulslike fundamentals.

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2 / 5.0 - Undungeon
Oct 19, 2022

I was hoping for something special with Undungeon, but sadly was utterly disappointed.

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2 / 5.0 - Aniquilation
Aug 14, 2022

Unfortunately Aniquilation squanders an interesting concept with poor level design that does its best to ensure that the various mechanics at play are nothing short of frustrating the majority of the time. There is some fun to be had if you can endure the frustrations and fight your way through to the later stages of Aniqulation’s levels, where the environments open up and it becomes more apparent what the developers were going for. Sprinkle in the technical issues, and Aniquilation is difficult to recommend to anyone other than the most dedicated of twin-stick shooter fans.

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Aug 5, 2022

At the end of the game, I really felt like there could’ve been a lot more Quintus and the Absent Truth. The acting felt flat, the themes weren’t as fleshed out as they should’ve been, and the only truly scary thing here is how short the whole experience was. I really wanted to see this succeed, as the art style brought some unique potential, but sadly the experience needs a lot more refinement to be as interesting in execution as it was in premise.

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2 / 5.0 - Hell Pages
Jul 24, 2022

Hell Pages is hardly a groundbreaking game, but it’s also not all bad. Though decidedly old school and occasionally primitive, it still has a solid core loop, outstanding tunes and hideous demonic boss battles. If you can get past the lack of weapon variety and the ho hum upgrades, you might find something to enjoy in this festival of monsters. For everybody else, get your Evil Dead fix from the source material.

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